Our First Step

I will probably never know how to start this because if I could ,I’d just start by crying. Which is what I’ve probably done a million times the past year, healing is uncomfortable. Having to confront what broke you will break you all over again, but I had to chose between letting my broken pieces seep into my life and cut everything good or be uncomfortable. So uncomfortable it was.

There was so much to heal from but I decided to start from what I felt was the root of why I was the way I am, my upbringing.Okay, I’m getting uncomfortable again but we still continue. I’ve had a very tumultuous relationship with my family, as a kid I was raised by my amazing grandmother and from that came a lot of experiences. (Which I will not go into details about) Growing up I didn’t understand why I didn’t live with my mother or father, as a kid the only reason you think of is the only thing that would make sense. That they didn’t want you. So unfortunately that’s where the foundation started, I moved back with my mom at 9 and I felt I didn’t know her so it was hard getting used to that, and with that came a lot of silent struggles, till the beginning of this year.

So I spoke to my mom, because there’s no way she couldn’t see that there’s a huge void between us. We spoke, open and honestly about my childhood through her eyes and my childhood through mine. Our sides were completely different. Odd right? That was the most uncomfortable, emotional conversation I’ve ever had with anyone. From that conversation came so much peace, she expressed how because of my perspective I was a bitter person, because of how I viewed my life and how at a young age I decided they didn’t want me,not knowing that financially living with my granny was what’s best for me and that she still sent money and tried her best at her young age as a single mother. That I looked at it as it was all intentional when it wasn’t. And then came an apology, for not being able to be there or never being able to fully connect with me and I’ve never felt my heart mend the way it did.

With this came my version, came the times I felt alone whilst she was right next to me because I felt she never tried, how I felt I always had to fend for myself or die by myself, how I felt my experiences shaped me and that I am because of what I saw and went through, but also came my apology. For being selfish in my perspective, for not seeing that I should take that extra step, for not always showing how appreciative I was for everything she did for me when no one else would have, for not thanking her for always coming through for me.

Perspective can keep us hostage if we continue to hold on to one side, if we’re not open to hearing the other persons perspective. So today we’re going to do this, not everyone has something to heal from but if you do

1. Find the source of your pain, find the reason you are the way you are. Accept that something cut you, fully. Then confront it. It may be a minor thing that happened ten years ago with your family, something you’ve hid because of shame, something you’ve kept in the depths of your heart.

2.Confront it Talk to someone, it may be family a friend or even me.

3. Let it bleed

4. Allow it to leave and let go of all its bondage in your life Apologize to yourself. Write the exact thing down, write the day you finally let it go and keep it as a reminder of your strength

Heal to allow a renewal, to allow you to shed skin that serves no purpose in your becoming. And move. This was our first step, thank you for joining me As we continue With love, kindness and compassion Thank you